Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Husband and I *just finished reading Sacred Marriage together. We had a couple of complaints, but we both enjoyed the overall message. Our first complaint was the word choices. Because we were reading out loud, we frequently stumbled over the verbose language—many, many times. I don't know how much of an issue this would have been reading silently because maybe we would have just assumed we'd gotten the message where we said the wrong word out loud. I'm not sure. Maybe others didn't have this issue. It could be a matter of speech and the written word being so different. Our second complaint was that there was no discussion or thought questions to go with the chapter content. Well, that is until we got to the end of the book. Which we didn't know was even there since we were reading on our Kindles. Had we known there actually was a section dedicated to discussion questions at the back of the book, we probably would have made an effort to flip back and forth, but that also would have been annoying. I think it makes more sense to include these at the end of each chapter or section and if the reader wants to skip them then it's still easier to do so. Overall, we both appreciated the message of Sacred Marriage. The important takeaways for us both were that everything in our marriage can be used to draw us closer to God. We can use our spouse's failings to view them in comparison to God--He will never fail us. We can use those same failings to grow in our love--not a selfish love that always seeks to be fulfilled, but in a self-sacrificial love that always seeks to fulfill others. We can use our own failings to remind ourselves that just as we are human and imperfect, our spouse is the same. Just as we fail and fall short, our spouse does too. And just as much as we want forgiveness and a pardon for our mistakes, our spouse does too. We can use marriage as a refiner's fire to become more like God, to love more like God, and to forgive more like God. The author uses an example (and I'm totally paraphrasing the story) of a time when his wife wasn't doing something that he wanted her to do. I can't remember what the task was so let's say it's to make the bed. And she repeatedly doesn't do this task. He gets so annoyed. One day she tells him that she's going to love him forever, and he frustratedly responds that he doesn't need her to love him forever, he needs her to love him for twenty-seven seconds. Twenty-seven seconds is all the time it takes to do the task she daily neglects to do. And she basically tells him that maybe he needs to love her for the twenty-seven seconds it takes him to do the task himself. I loved this example. So often we latch onto these little things that our spouse isn't doing, and we think to ourselves "If he/she loved me they would do this" or "he/she isn't thinking about me at all at this moment that they choose not to do/to do this task". When in reality, we're also stuck in the moment of thinking about ourselves and not just doing whatever the task is ourselves. Many times, the task only takes us twenty-seven seconds, or thereabout. We can't keep score in our marriage. Doing so helps no one and hurts everyone. Here are too many of my favorite quotes: -...in one sense, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake. "The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other," he wrote. "It is a perpetual exercise of mortification..." -To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. -Who can be truly "happy" while filled with anger, rage, and malice? Who can be happy while nursing resentment or envy? Who can be honestly happy while caught in a sticky compulsion of an insatiable lust or incessant materialism? The glutton may enjoy his food, but he does not enjoy his condition. -You won't find happiness at the end of a road named selfishness. -I also pray it will help you to love your marriage more, appreciate your marriage more, and inspire you to become even more engaged in your relationship with your spouse. When you realize something is "sacred," far from making it boring, it gives birth to a new reverence, a take-your-breath-away realization that something you may have been taking for granted is far more profound, far more life-giving and life-transforming, than you may have ever realized. I love marriage, and I love my marriage. I love the fun parts, the easy parts, and the pleasurable parts, but also the difficult parts--the parts that frustrate me but help me understand myself and my spouse on a deeper level; the parts that are painful but that crucify the aspects of me that I hate; the parts that force me to my knees and teach me that I need to learn to love with God's love instead of just trying harder. Marriage has led me to deeper levels of understanding, more pronounced worship, and a sense of fellowship that I never knew existed. -God didn't design marriage to compete with himself but to point us to himself. -Honor not expressed is not honor. -Contempt is born when we fixate on our spouse's weaknesses. Every spouse has these sore points. If you want to find them, without a doubt you will. If you want to obsess about them, they will grow--but you won't. -Couples don't fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance. -God doesn't protect Christians from their problems--he helps them walk victoriously through their problems. -When we're most tired, most worn-out, and feeling more sorry for ourselves than we ever have before, we have the opportunity to confront feelings of self-pity by getting up and serving our mate. -"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power" (John 13:3), but instead of acting like a spiteful tyrant, Jesus got up from the meal and washed his disciples' feet. Instead of using his power to pout, chastise, or gloat, Jesus uses it to serve. -But when we have power over another--particularly power in an area where someone feels so vulnerable and needy and where they can go nowhere else to be served--and then use that power irresponsibly, inappropriately, and maliciously, we become more like Satan, who loves to manipulate us in our weakness rather than like God, who serves us in our weakness. -And yet, as we travel into marriage, there usually comes a moment when we wonder, "Is this really as good as it gets? Is this really all there is?" Instead of being turned away from our spouse when this disillusionment sets in, we can be turned toward God. It can remind us that even our best choice of a human partner isn't enough to satisfy us. It won't help us to change our emotional focus, recognizing we can never receive all the love we need and desire from fellow humans. Instead of realizing that our true needs can be ultimately met only in and by God, some people keep trying to find their fulfillment in new relationships, thinking that what they really need is just to find "the right person," which, when translated, usually means a new person. Christianity does not direct us to focus on finding the right person; it calls us to become the right person. Our happiness is not determined by what is around us, but rather by how we deal with what is around us. -We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be, and doing the work God has given us to do. If we embrace--not just accept, but actively embrace--these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order. Gary Thomas tells you the hard truths that you need to hear but you might not accept if they were coming from someone you knew. The distance of someone not intimately involved in your marriage helps you to see that this person is impartial with their advice and knowledge. Gary Thomas isn't attacking you, your flaws, your spouse, their flaws, or your relationship with God. He is simply presenting the information you most need to hear. And I highly suggest reading this with your partner as reading it first and then trying to share the information with them might come off as preachy. Yet, I know that not all spouses are interested in reading this kind of content or even in improving themselves or their marriage. If that's the case, then read this alone and put into practice all that you can on your side. Sacred Marriage's message was enough to give this book 5 Stars. The mirror it placed in front of me to confront my own selfishness and self-centeredness that isn't Christ-like and won't serve my marriage is enough to deserve the rating. I do think the vocabulary used and sentence structure was a bit much. It tripped both my husband and myself up many times. And I hope if they revise this book that the discussion questions will be included at the end of each chapter versus the end of the book. Have you read Sacred Marriage? What did you think? Let me know! *Finished this book and wrote this review back in February 2023, but review is just now going up due to scheduling.

I cannot begin to praise this book by Gary Thomas enough. As a minister, I officiate a lot of weddings and I can say without hesitation that I will strongly recommend this book to every couple I have contact with. SACRED MARRIEGE poses the question, "What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us happy?" Thomas then goes on to deftly and succinctly illustrate how marriage is intended to take us to levels of spirituality most people will never conceive of. Thomas breaks down many of the societal enigmas placed upon marriage. For example, throughout history, various religious doctrines have driven a massive and impenetrable wedge between spirituality and sexuality. Abstinence is believed by many, still today, to be the only true way to achieve maximum spirituality with God. Thomas accurately and completely destroys such apostasy by illustrating how marital sexuality can and should in fact, draw both partners deeper into their relationship with God. This book is also laden with practical examples that will make all husbands and wives ask simple questions that will immediately influence how they treat or react to their spouses. For example, in a section on cultivating gratitude, Thomas states, "I never eat at somebody's house without thanking them for providing a meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I'd give someone else?" A simple question which should provide a profound and immediate self-examination. There is also an adequate Notes section and also a very interesting section of questions for discussion and reflection. I believe this section, in and of itself, would make this a fantastic guide for young couples to help set the direction of their marriage and help initiate a habitual and constant inclusion of God in the marriage. I have read a lot of books on building and maintaining a successful marriage. A few of them have been extremely good; many have simply been cookie cutters of countless others. A few I would recommend; many, not so much. Without question, I give SACRED MARRIAGE by Gary Thomas my highest recommendation. This is a guidebook or user's manual, if you will, that will benefit all married couples, but this is essential reading for Christians seeking to take their marriage to its' highest level. Pastor Monty Rainey

Okay, so I have a tendency to just browse and put stuff in my cart that seem like a good buy. Now this book is more than an amazing buy. I am engaged and we are a Godly couple. Our views on most things are similar but being human we have our differences. For me when I started this book it was right along my walk in Christ. Mr. Thomas elaborate on his point and a thought process of mine 'that every situation can be used to become closer to whom God want us to be and marriage is one of the best situation to put us on the fast track.' This book challenges us to look at marriage as a way to constantly reflectbon our actions, thoughts and attitudes within a relationship/marriage and focus on becoming a better us instead of looking at the flaws of our spouses and react accordingly. This book teaches us that our marriage is supposed to reflect on our relationship with God and everything we do to our spouse we are actually doing to God. I gave my fiance to read it, and he is encouraging everyone around him to get a copy because now he is seeing that Marriage really does help us to become closer to God. This book is awesome, I would definitely tell persons to read it and challenge their view of getting married for holiness instead of happiness and watch your relationship get stronger and much much much much much better. This book is more than a must read, its an insight into how to have a healthy, happy marriage through God.

So obviously any book that teaches the right way to view marriage gets 5 stars, because there aren’t many books out there that have the correct perspective. This one does. However, I wish it was less ‘male’ or ‘female’ focused. Many of the qualities the author lists as male, I identify with. And some of the qualities that are framed to be female, my husband aligns with. Although there are some topics that can be mapped more toward male/female (such as sex), Or perhaps the way we communicate, overgeneralizing that the wife is going to be the one at home making meals, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking care of the children is an outdated view of women, and actually continues the cycle of bias - ‘women and our domestic issues’. When it talks about berating your partner by saying ‘I contribute more financially’, why can’t that be a neutral phrase with no gender attached? Or perhaps even a woman, because there are plenty of women I know who find themself in that situation nowadays. Another example is when they say the wife wants to talk all the time, I find myself on the other side of that coin 99.9% of the time. I’d rather not talk about anything, which clearly I need to work on, but it aligns to a ‘male’ quality in this book. I understand as an author you have to make generalizations, but being gender neutral or saying ‘typically’ this is the case, might leave a better taste in our mouths. It seems like this book may be focused more toward the ‘bro’ husband, and in that case, then I guess it makes sense. Other than that, if you can read past the gender biases, it is a solid message and a book every couple should read, not just for your marriage, but for yourself. I found I’m immature in many ways and it’s given me a roadmap to work on individually and with my husband.

I have found this one of the most helpful books to give to marrieds and engaged folks. It largely avoids the complementarian/egalitarian debate (though it quotes one complementarian who is quite forceful in his views), focusing more on our heart attitudes. For that reason you can give it to a wide variety of people even if you're not really sure what their theology of marital roles is or even if they differ from your own. More than that, it presents wonderful challenges that all of us need; I think many marriage how-tos from either side of the evangelical spectrum really don't focus on the heart behind the decisions one makes in relating to the other and our roles. I think an honest look at the principles in this book would serve to temper folks' zeal about how they see marriage to work by bringing them to their knees in awe of the holy and awesome calling... in other words, to a place of humility where God can work on us and whatever assumptions or formulas we might bring to the table. After prayerfully handing this book to one couple, I was told that they think I saved their marriage before it started. Now that's good to hear! I have to say, however, that I relate very little to the woman whom Gary evaluates his reactions to (his own wife, who seems to fall into stereotypes in regards to emotions, desires, and so forth) or the pattern of marital sacrifices they've found themselves called to make for their particular marriage. And so that is a weakness to me. But the bottom line stuff is great as you think of ways to apply it to your own life--and relationships of all sorts within your life (I'm actually single). Because of its intimate reference to pretty much only one marriage and a fairly stereotypical if lovingly walked out one at that, many will find that it is best read along with other books--ones which do deal with the possible diversity of marital roles and callings for either the husband or wife--to which the same principles can be applied. I heartily recommend the book. Btw, a favorite theology book on the gender topic is Dr. Sarah Sumner's "Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus on Christian Leadership." To my utter delight in looking up the title of that book just now (my copy is perpetually on loan, so I don't have it sitting before me) I discovered that she and her husband just came out with a book on marriage this month. Yay!! I'm doing cartwheels in my mind at the thought. I hope it is as good as her previous books would indicate it will be.

There are plenty of books written about marriage, relationships, and communication, but what I appreciated about this one is that it remained firmly rooted in a biblical and Christ-centered foundation rather than simply offering generic self-help advice. What stood out to me was its emphasis not only on why Christian marriages can work, but also on how they are intended to function when built upon biblical principles. Marriage is often discussed in modern culture through the lens of feelings or compatibility alone, but this book consistently redirects attention toward commitment, sacrifice, grace, and Christ as the central foundation of the relationship. As a Christian, husband, and someone involved in ministry and mentoring roles over the years, I appreciated that the book approached marriage with both truth and practicality. It did not present an unrealistic picture of marriage free from hardship; rather, it offered a thoughtful framework for navigating difficulties through faith and intentionality. This would be valuable not only for newly married couples, but also for long-married couples looking to strengthen their relationship and re-center it around Christ. Five stars. Thoughtful, biblically grounded, and an excellent reminder of why Christian marriages can thrive when built upon the right foundation.

I should have read this book 23 years ago, but reading it now after being married 23 years I see the truth in it, such a biblical and solid marriage book. I have not read anything as accurate. I love the style of writing, as well as how truthfully put. The balance in Gary’s writing is exceptional. It’s not a self help book. It’s a BIBLICAL guide to the purpose of marriage! Women AND Men are accountable to God, and I especially appreciate Gary’s point of view as a man speaking...holding men accountable. This is not another self help step by step book. This is NOT a patriarchal book. Thank God! Reading this book should be a prerequisite to marriage. I No it will be for our children!

Having first read this book several years ago, and recently completing a 2nd reading, this has become a standard addition to every wedding gift we give. Sacred Marriage confronts our picture of marriage as 'all about me', and replaces it with a God-centred image of a training ground for our relationship with God, our spouse being our 'God-mirror', reflecting the image of God we are presenting to our spouse and broader environment. This is the most challenging book we, as a couple have ever read about marriage, and definitely the most beneficial and life-changing. Beautifully complemented by the companion book, Sacred Influence, specifically aimed at women, couples are encouraged to strive to be more Christ-like in the most important relationship we experience, this side of heaven. This is the first book we recommend to couples, whether facing trials or happily celebrating their union. A must-read! Having read this book, and applied its principles to your life, you will automatically want to read other books by Gary Thomas, and I can attest to the fact that he applies the same God-centred humility to all the topics he covers.

This book is awesome!!!!! It has opened my mind and heart to important topics and on how marriage reveals what really is in our hearts, which staying single would not. In marriage we live a reality that is harder than any other and if we follow God instrucions, in His Word, not only will we find peace and happiness even during struggles but we will become holier every day more. God will be able to work in our hearts to make us better persons, will work on our selfishness, then we will want to only give and we will find that it is better to give than to receive. So difficult to express what a blessing this book has been to me and still is as I go back to it.

Good to read to understand what a real Christ-like marriage is about. Full of challenging truth.

So many good mindset shifts in this book. I read this VERY slowly over the course of a difficult year of marriage. Any time I felt my resolve slipping, I'd step back in and let the Lord gently (but firmly) set me back on the right path. I'm so grateful because the long road has absolutely been worth it, which I credit in large part to choosing a partner who loves Jesus and is as committed to making things work as I am. I will always recommend Sacred Marriage as one of my top (if not THE top) resource for a healthy, godly marriage.

I'm getting married soon, and this book has certainly given my future spouse and I a lot to consider and mull over as we approach the sacred union of marriage. Very good book!

This book is one of the most awesome book I've read. It has brought tremendous changes in me. I m in love with this book.