Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives

I’ve read a lot of self-help books and almost all of them have a catchy hook with an easy-read style that leaves a convincing but hollow message with the reader. ‘Why do I do that?’ Hit differently. I consider myself a very defensive person and this book was a very difficult book to read, emotionally speaking. It made me identify and realize my behavior in a way that I would have never figured out by myself. Warning - this book will more than likely bring up past trauma and emotional pain. It has almost brought me to tears on many occasions. But I’m deeply grateful that it fell onto my path as I can now begin to build a better ability to cope with emotional situations, and how to react to situations in a more conscientious and understanding way. Thanks to Dr. Burgo for writing this gem!

My son is 18, I am 49. This book says all the things we feel and think and couldn't put it in words. This really is a great book

I rarely read self help books, but I'm glad I picked this one up. The author does a good job of both explaining certain behaviors and assuring the reader that they aren't inherently bad for doing them. I often find that many self help books paint angry or selfish people in a bad light, and I'm tired of that. Those that hurt us are in pain too (and we aren't evil for living with anger or hatred), and I really appreciate that the author took the time to point that out whenever it was merited. I also like that the author was realistic. None of us can ever achieve perfection and we all slip from time to time, so the author gives us a look at what a good goal is and how we should strive to be "better", rather than "happy". Each of the examples provided about previous clients were helpful to the point, rather than just serving as filler. And the author talked of his own difficulties which humanized him and made me like him more. The style and pace were both great, I never felt like I was being talked down to or that there was too much or too little information on any given subject. I took away a star for two reasons, which may not affect other people's reading experience. The first was that the book was a little heavy on Freud's ideas and I'm a little wary of relying on something so far in the past, especially given that there's been issues with his work. Most of the topics covered could have easily used information from more recent works, and I think the arguments posited would have been stronger if they had. And the second is the way sexuality is discussed. I think it's important to acknowledge that there is a difference between not liking sex for emotional reasons like fear or anger and simply not being a sexual person. I think it's a little antiquated to assume that asexuality is a defense mechanism. Of course, a sudden loss of interest or, like previously stated, avoidance because of emotional issues, is indicative of a problem. But asexuality in general is not.

I came to this self-help book through Dr. Burgo’s honest and insightful blog “After Psychotherapy.” I’ve long been fascinated by the topic of psychological defense mechanisms, which I first learned about in therapy and later studied in psych classes. I think they represent one of the more helpful topics discussed in psychotherapy. Dr. Burgo explains the role of the basic defenses with clear descriptions and relatable examples culled from his 30+ years in practice. Some, like repression and denial, have become part of our general lexicon, but others, such as splitting and displacement, are lesser known. Although we are often unaware of it, all of us rely on defenses (to a greater or lesser degree) to shield ourselves from emotional pain. Our personalities are partly determined by which ones we employ. They only become problematic for us and interfere with our relationships when we overuse them. If we find ourselves doing so, it can be helpful to explore feelings that are buried beneath the surface, to see why we may be relying so heavily on defenses mechanisms. While this may be best done in therapy, it is possible to do it on our own to some extent, and Why Do I Do That? facilitates this self-exploration. Throughout the book, Dr. Burgo gently encourages us to peel back our protective layers and face what’s there, however unattractive or uncomfortable those thoughts and feelings might be, in order to discover what’s behind our undesired behaviors. The goal is to gradually be able to accept a broad range of emotions so that we no longer have the need to cover them up. Burgo suggests that once we determine not only which defenses we are using, but more importantly why, we can begin to reduce their use and become more honest and successful in our relationships.

Do you want to dig into your psyche and find out why you do and think the things you do? Then get this book.

This is a great book, and it should have more popular relevance. Most books on these subjects tend to fall into the "cheer you up" or the "simple directed solutions" categories, but this one does not. It IS less tempting, since it won't promise to solve your problems, and even if it does solve them, it will be through your efforts more than the book information. So why should I buy it? I think the first fundamental step into better coping with psychological "problems" is to open yourself to them. You may resist it, but this books helps you acknowledge them without putting you down (overwhelming you) on the process. You may be familiar with that feeling after a long sleepness night in which nothing happened outside your own mind, but still, you feel a little different, after hours of hard and painful effort trying to understand what has been going on. And you feel tired, and you feel emotionally drained, but still, it seems you've come to something. It is at the same time a "forgiving" and a "maybe I can't do everything, but I can do something" feeling. For me, it's what this book is about, and I'll recommend it for friends and loved ones.

I honestly love this book. I love how each chapter has exercises, it’s organized and an easy read. The book gives great detail to different topics and really makes you think. Deducted stars from rating are due to several pages lacking spacing between words. For a book that shares so much insight into the “why”, I find it difficult to suggest to clients and maintain a sense of professionalism. (The clients I had suggested or shared the book with, stated they questioned substance when such errors existed through the book)

This book is amazing from every angle! Anyone who's searched through Amazon or any bookstore knows there are mountains of self-help books out there. How do you choose? As a practicing psychotherapist (and someone who's had years of my own therapy), I've tended to steer my clients away from self-help books because they usually oversimplify issues and promote unrealistic expectations which actually sabotage growth. At last, here's a self-help book I can heartily recommend to clients, friends, family, or anyone who asks! This is a one-of-a-kind book which addresses the depth and complexity of human psychology in astonishingly clear, graspable language which the everyday reader will relate to. Along with providing a pretty fascinating review of the most powerful ideas in psychoanalytic thought, it also gives the reader concrete and effective exercises that promote growth and change. And the book keeps getting better as it goes on. it ends by giving the reader a picture of what it is to be "healthy," as opposed to "perfect." Dr. Burgo goes out of his way to show the reader that a person never arrives at personal perfection. He acknowledges change is hard work, but that the rewards of getting out from under the oppression of one's defenses are well worth the effort. Likewise, you'll find this book is well worth the read!

I love this book! It's very insighful and can be used for professionals as well as civilians. Could be used for personal and professional insight into human behaviours and self reflection. It might even help people to have better quality of relationships with each other with more insight into their behaviours. I would definitely recommend this book.

I have been practicing reducing my automatic defense mechanisms for over 25 years and this book still gave me 'aha' moments. Thank you for a wonderfully simplistic account of human behavior. As a newly qualified counsellor I know I will read this book over and over again.

A nice book to read. Gives much of self understanding and the reasons of the way we react certain ways

Excellent summery of mental's defenses mechanisms. You can easily adapt the theory of this book to your own behaviour, o to others persons

It's a book one can read and re-read, the connections and relevations are interesting.... I absolutely recommend this book to understand ourselves better and be more understanding with others.