Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up Paperback – January 12, 2016

As the author of a parenting book that also advocates the necessity to discipline without damage (Smart Love: The Comprehenive Guide to Understanding, Regulating, and Enjoying Your Child) I am delighted to see a book that in theory and practice shows parents how to regulate their children's immature behaviors in constructive ways. This book is based on Attachment Theory and so the author emphasizes the importance of making connections and avoiding disconnection. There is another reason not to use so-called harmless methods of discipline, such as time-outs, rewards, and consequences, namely that children learn first and foremost by imitation and we do not want to model behaviors that we do not want them to adopt. For example, a time-out is certainly more benign than a spanking, but do we really want to teach children to distance themselves from others who are upset, unhappy, or angry. Even worse, they may learn to dislike themselves when they are upset or angry. If when we go to regulate our children's behavior we think, "Do I want my child to grow up to treat others this way?" we will be much more inclined to use the techniques advocated in this book.

I couldn't put this book down once I started reading it. The tone, the heart of the author towards children and their families in the struggle to raise them well shines right through the pages, and it is full of love, understanding and guidance. Vanessa writes so well, her tone so positive and full of good illustrations of the concepts she is presenting. It is a book every parent should receive and read as soon as they have a baby. If you really absorb and take with an open heart what she is writing about, your family life will change for the better, you'll be a much happier mom (I speak from experience), and you'll see the world differently in relation to what your children need from you as they grow. I wish every parent in the world would read this book. It's a game changer. Hands down the best $12.00 I've spent in a very long time.

I have mixed feelings about this book. As a whole, yes, it is helpful. I agree with a lot of the "big picture" ideas. The author is advocating attachment parenting, setting firm limits while allowing the child's reactions to those limits and putting a primary focus on spending quality time with the child and strengthening the child-parent emotional bond. All great stuff. One plus I will say is that compared to another, similar author I read (Laura Markham who wrote the forward in this book by the way) the scripts given in this book are shorter, more realistic when put into practice.My major complaint - and it is major - is that TWICE in the book the author states that holding on to "a little" parental guilt is a good thing because this guilt will motivate you to push yourself to be the best parent you can be.No. This offends me so much and I think it is quite contradictory coming from a professional who claims to be advocating AVOIDING making children feel shame or guilt. The argument makes no sense-- one is supposed to raise a child to not feel shame or guilt but one is supposed to feel guilty over parenting mistakes? Anyone who has tried to make a life change (losing weight, addiction, etc) knows that guilt doesn't work as a long term motivator. If you want to be a better parent, work on yourself because you want to feel better and you want to improve your family life and enjoy life more. If one has guilt it is because one hasn't forgiven oneself and that's an unhealthy way to live.My minor complaint with this book is that it is at times overly wordy and gives too much information to use as action points. I'd have to make flashcards and memorize all these points. One part of the book had, I believe, nine "touchstones" that you are supposed to go through in a particular scenario. But a lot of parenting books are like that so it is a minor thing.Overall, read this book but with a grain of salt, and ignore the advice to hold on to your guilt.

Informative and helpful book for gentle and intuitive parenting.

If you are already on board with a no punishment, no rewards way of parenting, then this book may not offer you much. I was hoping for some more specific examples. I know it is all about connection. I've read this from a dozen different authors. But, specific challenges and ideas to handle them are not included beyond the grocery store example, which we've got down already. What about when a child won't wash her hands when getting home from school, or delays bedtime, etc...This book was ok, but I'm on to the next one.....

This book was so helpful. The emphasis on how emotional control develops was very helpful for increasing my patience level with my child. I also loaned a copy to a coworker - the way he had talked about one of his children, an adopted child, made me wince from the lack of understanding. He got back to me and told me how eye-opening it was and how it really changed how they viewed some of their child's behaviors differently now.It isn't perfect. It is helpful for dealing with kids that are blowing up from bug emotions. But I did find it less useful for the times they are just being an uncooperative little pill. But overall I found it was a good read for tempering expectations with the reality of brain development.

I saw Dr. Lapointe speak years ago, and when I learned that she would be writing a book, I ordered it right away. I am happy to say that it did not disappoint. I enjoyed how Dr. Lapointe writes in a very approachable and easy-to-read style, and her anecdotes about her own children made her that much more likeable and real. She explains that we have to look at children through a developmental lens, and breaks down how kids would approach varying situations according to their ages. She also chats about how parents need to be confident - Hulking up, I think she calls it - instead of helicoptering. I also loved how she offers explanations behind why children act out, and how to calm down situations, rather than ramping them up with yelling and time-outs.

Good ideas to assist parents.