Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity Paperback – February 3, 2004

TL;DR version: If you have been through a cheating event, you most likely will need this book for advice and healing (especially if you are the spouse of the cheater).If you are reading this in desperate need of help/hope because you recently found out your spouse cheated on you, first I want to say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. I've been through that chaotic, confusing and scary couple of days after the "discovery" and I truly empathize with your situation. Especially those of you who have no support to help you deal (close friends, family, etc that you could tell in confidence). The good news is, you have found the right book, and it will help you through this time.This book probably saved my marriage. After I discovered my wife had been in an emotional/online relationship with an ex for the previous two years, I was almost in physical shock I think (edit: looking back with a couple years' perspective, I definitely suffered from PTSD in the year + following "The Event").I will never forget that gut-punching feeling of betrayal when I found out, and to say this book helped me is a massive understatement. It saved my sanity, and helped both of us cope with what statistically is a marriage-ending affair.We both read it at the same time, then I re-read it, made copious notes, and discussed each of them in detail with wife.Then I read it again. And maybe one more time. Obviously, the book "spoke" to me at a time when I was at a loss as to what to do next, or how to move forward. It was an emotional security blanket for me, and I am NOT an emotional person (quite the opposite). Looking back, I was almost obsessing over "The Book" and I am sure my wife did not share that...enthusiasm about it (but to be fair, she was on the other side, and the book explains how the offender and the offended typically react differently, and why).Had we acted on my initial instinct to go see a marriage counselor (well actually my FIRST instinct was to call a divorce lawyer), I think that would have failed. Or at least would have had a high chance of failing. That might have worked if we had access to a top marriage counselor, or someone with even a bit of Glass' experience or resume, but most of us don't have that. And if you don't have access to that kind of expert, IMO, you're likely better off NOT going to a "local yokel" who means well, but with this very difficult and complicated issue, can really make things worse. Glass mentions this in the book as well, about how much misinformation about the topic is out there, is espoused by therapists, is written up in mags and newspapers, and treated as "best practices" for these situations).If something like this has just happened to you (particularly if you are on the receiving end of your spouse's cheating), just trust me, read this book. It will help, and if you respond as I did, it will actually help you heal and act as a "pain reliever" while you heal. It will not be a "good read" or "enjoyable" or any other similarly silly description of this book that I saw in other reviews. It will be HORRIBLE, because it's going to open up every detail and some hard truths that you probably don't want to think about.But it will be necessary IF you want to try and save your marriage (BOTH of you, sincerely, not just one, or one saying they do because they fear the consequences of not saying they do).It will even be brutal, because Glass can be very direct, and doesn't candy coat the reality of the situation. She reminds me of a tough, but beloved coach from high school. For instance, she suggests if X and Y happen, or has happened, and Z is true, then moving forward as a married couple will probably not work, and you need to look at "exit" options. Even if that is the ultimate outcome, or the suggested path, she walks you through that as well, in the least damaging way possible.Even though the book was written by an older woman, I find the style, vocabulary and even thought processes, to be very much relevant for current times (I saw another review dinging the book for being anachronistic). In fact, the thinking and even style is so NOT dated, I was surprised after reading the book, to find out that the author had been dead for more than a decade!Glass obviously placed a lot of faith in science and data (I love that), since she herself did many clinical trials and used data from other scientific studies on infidelity to back up her assertions and advice. But as expert and clinical as she is on the subject, her tone and demeanor come across as a sincerely caring, but very professional doctor.Sadly (maybe), two and a half years after my "Event", I still think of this book occasionally, and have an urge to re-read it, or at least look at my highlighted sections. These moments occur less frequently as time goes on, and they are short-lived, thankfully (and to date have not actually gone back to read it, just the feeling of needing/wanting to, in dark/bad moments).I have no idea what Glass would think of that, but I can say that I am still married, and as a result of much of the advice (both do's and dont's) which we followed during those dark days, I think we both handled it as well as it could be given the circumstances, and to the extent possible, healed the gaping wound in our marriage.Maybe like grieving the death of a loved one, there is no 'fix' or solution to an infidelity event - there's just trying to cope in as healthy a way as possible, with the hope that one day the pain will diminish. Given the difficulty, complexity, and variability of this topic, Glass covers most if not all bases as a fantastic guide for BOTH spouses through this event, and probably comes as close to a 'solution' as possible.(Edited 7/29 to add: I also HIGHLY recommend a new book I just listened to, "Marriageology" by Luscombe. An amazing listen via audiobook, and for anyone in the recovery phase of an infidelity event, I think should be the follow up book after the one I reviewed above. She is also very data/study-centric, but it's so well-written that it's not dry or boring, or overpowering (too many numbers!) at all. Such a gift for writing, and the content is really eye-opening for anyone that wants to improve their marriage: cheater, cheated, or not). I've read several books on marriage, and this one to date is by far the best.)

If you only read one book on the subject of infidelity, this book should be it.After learning of my husband's infidelity last June, I began a frantic search for answers, comfort and guidance. I wound up buying 5 books within the first few days. As I started reading through them simultaneously, "Not 'Just Friends'" quickly emerged as a beacon of hope and understanding. While the other books were helpful and informative, none of them could even touch the level of information and compassion contained in Glass's book.I have now read over a dozen books, various websites and articles, and countless threads on web forums dedicated to infidelity. "Not 'Just Friends'" has become my bible (in fact I have a hard copy and a copy on my Kindle now). Glass approaches the subject from a very rational, scientific and logical perspective, without losing an ounce of compassion or her grasp on the deep emotions involved for all of the players. Unlike so many other "experts" on the subject, Glass is able to present things from the perspective of the betrayed, the cheater and the affair partner. She doesn't point fingers, berate any of the parties, or dichotomize people into "good" and "evil". She makes it clear that infidelity is wrong, hurtful and destructive. But she also delves deeply into the why's and how's of it so that everyone involved can truly learn and grow.The book doesn't just cover physical affairs -- which is what most people think when they hear "affair". She also extensively covers emotional infidelity, an extremely common and just as damaging, but less understood and talked about form of betrayal. The book also covers affairs that take place via the internet, which has become increasingly common. She uses a lot of examples of real-life cases (modified to protect identities). She discusses affairs between coworkers, "friends", family, neighbors, strangers, etc. She talks about people who have only cheated once, and people who have had multiple affairs. She talks about people who have "revenge affairs" after learning of their partner's infidelity. She revisits many of these stories throughout the book to provide a complete picture not only of the anatomy of the affair, but of the recovery process as well. You get to see the good and the bad, and what worked and what didn't.The book is structured in a logical order. It starts off with an introduction and some general info about infidelity. Then it walks you through the process, from initial discovery through the various stages of recovery. It covers what each person involved can expect, and advises on how to best handle whatever may come up. She provides exercises to help you through the process. She guides you through getting to the truth, understanding the affair, figuring out why it really happened, deciding whether to stay or leave, how to handle triggers/flashbacks, and how to handle the affair partner. She also has a section for how to cope and heal if you or your partner decide to end the marriage. She talks about risk factors and warning signs, in case you suspect infidelity but haven't been able to confirm it. And she also clearly defines how to prevent infidelity and set healthy, appropriate boundaries around your marriage.As I read through the book the first time, I was stunned at how accurately Glass was able to describe and predict exactly what I was thinking and feeling. My husband also picked up the book, and remarked that it was eerily spot on for him too. That alone has been helpful, because it's allowed me to have a good sense of what may happen next, and how to deal with it, as well as have a deeper understanding of what my husband is going through. I've consulted the book many times over the last few months when those things finally did happen to remind myself of how to cope. Pretty much everything we've gone through has been covered in one way or another in the book.Despite the fact that Glass lays out a lot of potentially scary information, and harbingers of future pitfalls, the book never fails to have a calming effect on me. Reading passages specific to what I'm going through at the moment allows me to reground myself, and think through how I can and should respond. While we have far more work to do, the results are noticeable. It has made me realize that getting past this, and even having a better marriage in the long run, is absolutely possible. And it's also helped me see that if we can't be fixed, I will still be better and stronger as an individual.Even if you have never experienced infidelity, I highly recommend this book. Affairs are disturbingly common, and many cases go undetected. The advice, insights and tools given in this book will be helpful to such people by giving them what they need to protect themselves and their marriage. If you love your partner, and you love your life together, isn't that worth doing whatever it takes to protect it?