I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship

I purchased this book for my boyfriend who felt betrayed by me. My struggle in this relationship is that he has faced many betrayals in his life and I wanted to restore the trust between us. I know that in order to do that, I need to have a better understanding of his needs and he needs to have a better understanding of what it’s like to be me. It’s very difficult to be open with someone who you love and want to protect from hurt. But I made a critical mistake by being hidden and then when I realized that, in an attempt to reveal more, but still protect him from feeling like I was being unfaithful, I made an even greater mistake; I was dishonest with him about little things- in one case, I was actually at church but because I was hidden about that part of my life, I told him that I was across the street, for example. Never did I imagine or expect it to snowball in the way it did and now he thinks of me as reliably unreliable. I don’t want to lose him; our schedules and location make professional help difficult to access. So, I purchased the book for both of us and while the rest of our story is yet to be written, this was a great read for me. I realized that I need to work on my consistency and I need to be brutally honest even if I am unsure of his reaction- long term, it will result in exactly what we both want. After reading the book, I do feel as if trust can be restored if we follow the process. I think he would say the same. The book was also beneficial because I realized there are ways in which we have betrayed each other- ways I hadn’t even considered before- and while it’s not an excuse for my indiscretion and the choice I made to be dishonest with him, I have a better understanding of why I made that choice and how I can avoid making the same mistake again. I’m grateful to Mira and the people who shared stories in this book. You’re not alone. Whether you have been betrayed or you have betrayed someone, read this book if you sincerely want to put in the work to restore the trust.

I have read all of Mira's books and they are all really great books that resonate with almost everyone's life. This one is no different and was so good that I was able to read it in just a few sittings. In fact, one day, I was up into the wee hours just wanting to finish the 'next chapter.' This book is particularly of interest because it talks about something that is the basis of all relationships - trust. Yet, we all do things exactly opposite of what we should do to develop this trust in a relationship. Mira takes us through this mistakes in details and uses lots of examples to show us what she means. In almost every chapter, I either knew what she was talking about or I learned soemthing new that I could usein my life. As an example, a few days ago, my daughter came to me and was very sad because her boyfriend was apparently 'avoiding' her. Remembering what Mira said in this book, I told her not to worry and do something simple, but quite often tough for women to do, which was to ignore him in return and in fact take a step back. The purpose was to 'not crowd him' which boys don't like and see if he misses her. Three days later, she came to me smiling and said "It worked. He wants to videochat with me and he seemed to genuinely miss me! I am going to tell all my friends this wonderful advice you gave me which is like the best kept secret." Thanks, Mira!

This book is recommended as a first-read following a betrayal and as a go-to when feeling stuck in the recovery process. It is organized into three sections. In Part One, the author has a hopeful tone and conveys her understanding of the deep pain of experiencing betrayal, both in how it alters how one views themselves and changes the world in which they live. This section normalizes the feelings that come with betrayals of all sorts, and inserts hope for restoration of trust. She opens up about her own personal experience of recovering from betray with her husband, which can provide a sort of validation about her recommendations that therapists cannot (because we are trained not to self-disclose). One of the most helpful takeaways early on is the concept that once there has been a hope or an expectation of recovery established, many couples may set an unreasonably high expectations for perfect behavior. The author warns appropriately that due to relationships involving two imperfect people, there are going to be setbacks and mistakes from both partners. There is also a good description of the helpless/angry and under-attack/defensive dynamic that prevents couples from healing. Finally, there is a focus on the difference between safety and trust, which may be something many have never considered before. (c5) A key concept is that “you can only regain trust if you let go of some of your need for safety,” meaning there is a need to tolerate vulnerability to built trust. It explains how the more one partner does to feel safe, the more it makes the other partner feel unsafe (as in, withdrawing to feel safe causes your partner to feel insecure about your love for him/her). Part Two is focused on how to restore trust. It starts with a great description of the trust-betrayal-anxiety-unreliable emotional path that keeps many couples stuck (p103). It then covers Six Questions and asserts that knowing the answers to these questions makes all the differences in whether trust can be rebuilt (p105). There is then a chapter to address each of the six questions. A frequent question I receive is how long will/should the anger and healing process last; this is addressed in a helpful section beginning on p.126. The accusation/defense trap (p150) is also a common pattern I witness, and using the described way of expressing/listening is key to recovery. Part Three is about restoring trust in other situations, such as when one partner is unreliable, when there are power imbalances, and when the couple has significant differences in expectations. A chapter is devoted to how to navigate having differences in openness and honesty, which can trap couples in a cycle of suspicion and withdrawal. There is also powerful information about why people who have been hurt or lied to in the past tend to find themselves in dishonest/untrusting relationships. IN SUM: Not only is this a helpful first book to read following betrayal, it would also be helpful later down the road when feeling ‘stuck’ in the recovery process. I think the hurt partner who is in shock and feeling crazy with grief will find the normalizing, casual tone soothing and comforting. The person who has been trying for months to recover from the pain will find it helpful in offering a different way to think about things, and an action plan for the areas of stuck-ness. The partner who feels sincerely regretful about what they did--and who wants desperately to help the one they love--will find it useful to see that there is a path out of the pain, the blame/defend cycle, and the shame/remorse they feel. It is both realistic and hopeful, which is a good balance for a book of this topic.

This book is amazing ! Makes you see things from so many different views ! I am struggling to trust again and this book really gave me a ton of hope that I will get there again! A must read when really wanting to trust someone again!

To start off....I am a normal guy in a relationship that hit some hard spots awhile ago. There was a certain level of mis trust that happened with my spouse, and she definitely crossed boundaries, that shouldn't have been even thought about. It took a lot of communication and effort for me to get myself right and ok with her afterwords, but I wanted to be with her, since she really is my everything and I love her more than I ever thought I could love another person. This book in part REALLY helped me, to make sense of the feeling I was having and the struggle I was going through. The author is clearly well educated and experienced in relationships and does an excellent job of writing this to make you feel like she is in the room with you at a counseling session. She uses a lot of relevant examples and gives excellent advice on practical ways to deal with both your partner, and all the horrible feelings after a betrayal, of any sort. She covers your feelings from the moment you find out that "something" has happened to years down the road, and everything in-between. Highly recommend for anyone struggling to forgive, work-through, or just make sense out of an otherwise impossible jumble of feelings after a betrayal in a relationship. My spouse also read it at my request and it helped her to understand my point of view and what to expect emotionally from me.

Note to all fellow "betrayeds" out there - you have to put the hurt and anger aside for a few hours, and read it with an open mind. I have to say that I was initially very leery of purchasing this for a couple of reasons. First, because I had read the negative reviews along with the good. I was afraid, like so many of those reviewers, that I would experience trauma triggers. However after reading it, I just didn't understand the 1-stars. Maybe the betrayal was too new, and they had to experience some of the fallout first? Secondly, my husband is the one who recommended this to me, although he hasn't yet read it himself. I've strongly encouraged him to do so should he want us to be able to have productive conversations and salvage our 23 years together. It's been just over a year since I discovered my husband's affair with our next door neighbor. Since then we've both engaged in every single pitfall that the author describes, with all the predictable negative outcomes. After having read a few other books (After the Affair and Not Just Friends) and attended numerous couple's therapy sessions, the best advice was found in this book. I had so many "a-ha" moments. It opened my eyes to understanding why my rage and reactions have been so extreme, and why his go-to response is that I'm crazy, which in turn fuels more rage. We've been on a merry-go-round we can't get off, but this book gives me hope. It's a must-read for anyone trying to heal from a major betrayal, and help make the decision to stay or to go. Two big thumbs up, and I've ordered her other book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay to see where that takes us next.

I got this book due to being abandoned by my wife unexpectedly. I’ve been reading many books about my situation while trying to win her heart back (36 years is a lot to throw away). I know that trust is a big part of why she left so I found a lot of this useful. It is however written more as a “couples therapy” book. Although the ideas and directions are solid,one size does not fit all. My only critique would be the use of gender in specific stories. A lot of “he did this or she reacted that way”. The use of “they” where applicable would have been less gender behavior biased. There’s my 2 cents.

Yes, the book is definitely worth the read. I come from the perspective the "liar" and am working extremely hard to rebuild my wife's trust and save my marriage. It gave me some home and a little guidance. At the same time i sent my wife and our therapists their own copies. My wife's comment was you have to buy into Mira's concepts. We're not there yet ,but i'm hopeful. Long history of hiding my financial mistruths/infidelity (not sexual infidelity). One thing I'd like the answer to is, we can get to the forgiveness, but how do we deal with the legacy-history and lean out to come to grips w/ what i did..... Best to those needing this help or in this position