I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

It’s a little sad to read this now, as society seems to be regressing in the adoption of Real’s essential message. But that doesn’t diminish the brilliance of it. I recommend this book to any man (or woman), as all men either need to hear the message, or will find comfort in its validation, or both.

My wife is reading the book and it is quite an eye opener for her. Women swim in a very different water than men. She always moaned about how "good" men had it over women. Then, from reading the book she has learned that men need to cut off half of themselves to be "real men". It leads to depression and a lack of supportive relationships as well as all sorts of dysfunction. Men sacrifice their emotions and ability to form supportive relationships while women are trained to discard agency and sexuality. Both have their trials and difficulties. This book lays it out for my wife who found the book revealing.

I strongly recommend this book, as it shares great insights about how males (and females) are socialized in our culture, and what the effects of this often are. It is also simply a really good read. It is gut wrenching at times, though, as he describes the incredible trauma that some of his patients have been through. The end of the book is amazing. I love his implied definition of what a man is: an adult male, nothing more, and nothing less.My criticisms:(1) I think he underestimates the role of biology, implying that it is all nurture and little nature. He does spend a very short of time on this issue very late in the book, finishing with the argument that even if a chunk of the behaviors are instinctive / hard-wired that it is no excuse for doing it anyway, that we are civilized and sentient, so should overcome it. I left still feeling he is badly underestimating it.(2) I believe he is dramatically overestimating the amount of covert male depression in the USA. I think he gave some very high figure for his estimate, which I found pretty hard to believe. This sort of overestimate is very common for advocates of social change, though -- they tend to come up with very high statistical estimates to grab peoples' attention (and to get funding).Overall a fine book, though!

I just discovered this book. It describes me so well. It is so painful to read. But it also gives me some hope. Perhaps I can truly get a handle on this stuff. Perhaps I can make my way through the past as the author has. I feel his pain. He obviously knows my pain. Knowing us progress I guess. I am sad at the ending if the book, mostly because I never had a similar experience with my own father.

“Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real is a thorough and insightful examination of a depression and its accompanying stigmatized issue. Real delves into the often-overlooked topic of male depression with empathy and expertise, offering an exploration of how societal expectations of masculinity can obscure and exacerbate emotional struggles in men. The book combines personal anecdotes, clinical case studies, as well as cultural dynamics to illuminate the unique challenges men face in recognizing and addressing their mental health. Real's approach is both compassionate and practical, providing readers with valuable strategies for understanding and overcoming the hidden legacies of male depression. This book is an impressive read to gain understanding of male mental health, offering hope and practical guidance for those affected and their loved ones.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. I've read volume after volume on the subject. Most of it, however earnest, just blows smoke.This one's different. Real is the only therapist I've read who captures the anger behind depression--dammit, harm has been done to innocent people, and the pain they suffer is unrecognised, devalued or morally stigmatised becuse the sufferers happen to be male.The rage they feel against the perpetrator(s)never gets a focus. After all, it would be focussed on the people who cared for you as you grew. What does one do if the hand that beats you is the hand that feeds you? You do what you need to survive the moment. You stay fed. Only later do you fail to thrive.Terrence Real focusses his own rage on this injustice--and rage, indeed, he does. He suffered the abuse that leads to depression, and now helps men face it squarely.Like an ugly scab, healing ain't always pretty. If you never properly clean and dress a wound, grotesque scars disfigure you. Real tells the stories of men who have put the time, effort and care into healing. It ain't easy. But having done so, their scars heal clean, and a happier life begins.Other so-called self-help books (the "inner-child" movement springs to mind) seem to argue that learning to love your scars is the road to happiness. Poppycock.(I might also add that this is less a self-help book than a political and moral treatise. If sufferers find it helpful, that's a by-product.)Personally, I think Real lets women off the hook too easily in this book. Having endured the female-dominated "caring professions" to effect my own cure, I think Real ought to empahsise the complicity of women in the patriarchy (which he rightly labels as damaging to both sexes).Even quite enlightened women patronise men who try to be strong and scorn them when they allow themselves to be weak. In their effort to stamp out male aggression, they demean male strength--a strength which women who wish to heal might well wish they had.Real is the first scholar I've read to point out that the patriarchy actually harms men more than it harms women. It certainly proves fatal more often.He is the first therapist I know to make a case that men are MORE emotional than women; not the insensitive droogs of feminist caricature.Against a background of shallow, ineffectual, touchy-feely self-help gurus, Real stands out as a straight talker. To borrow a phrase from the patriarchy, he's results-oriented. And that ain't a bad thing.Real? An aptly named author.